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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2007|05:38 pm]
cutiecam17
one of my friends was in a car accident yesterday and is in the hospital. his car and the other car collided head on, and the woman in the other car died. she was 24 and had a 4 year old son. i don't know how to handle this. i want to talk to him but i know there's nothing i could say to help him through this. he's going to be completely changed forever.

hopefully he wont have to face manslaughter charges. the article in the paper made it seem like it was the woman's fault, and so he has a good chance of not having to go to jail. but i'm so scared. this just shows how fragile life is and how everything can change in a second. 

i want to tell him i'm there for him and that i care about him. but the way things are with our relationship right now, i dont know if he'd even want to hear from me. when i was told the news, i thought at first that he had died, and i just felt really really guilty and stupid for the way things are with us right now. what if he was gone and the last time i'd talked to him was 3 months ago because of dumb high school drama. this has made me realize i shouldn't wait around for things and should stop letting friendships die. 

im gald that he's okay physically at least, but i know he's never mentally going to be the same again. and i'm not a part of his life anymore, so i don't know if i'm going to able to visit him or say goodbye to him before i leave. i just don't know what to think about this. it's strange how much this has affected all of the rest of us. a bunch of us had a sleepover last night so that we could comfort each other and talk things through together. and while we did a good job of taking our minds off of it, i didn't get much sleep because i felt...ashamed and upset that we've completely cut each other out. so i guess i'll call him and try to be supportive. i really miss him as a friend, and i can't believe how close i came to losing him yesterday. i really really hope he doesn't have to go to jail. the guilt and weight of his accident is going to be punishment enough.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2007|12:26 am]
cutiecam17

i start college in nine days. i don't even know what to do. i just got in a fight with my mom about how she wants me to pack up everything in my room and put it in the attic (which she's been bugging me about all summer) and i told her i feel like she's trying to get me out as fast as she can. im going to come back to an empty guest room and its not going to feel like home.

in the nine days i have left, one is going to be water country with the family. one is bens graduation thing. hopefully one is boston with eve. but that leaves me with six days left unplanned. then i have work for three of those days. so i have three days left.

THREE EMPTY DAYS. and way more than three people that i really need to see and say goodbye to.

my mom just came back into my room to nag me some more about packing everything away. and i was crying and telling her that i don't care about my room right now and its not what i'm upset about at the moment and that i'll clean it and i understand. she can't seem to realize that im upset about saying goodbye to people. and she just kept going on and on about it and saying that its "my responsability". i dont understand how she can be so abrupt and uncomforting about this. this isn't about a fucking room.

i don't know how to handle this. why am i leaving so early??

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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2007|11:57 am]
cutiecam17
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(no subject) [Jun. 23rd, 2007|08:04 pm]
cutiecam17
okay, maybe lifes not that boring.
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(no subject) [Jun. 17th, 2007|09:37 pm]
cutiecam17
I'm so bored of life.
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(no subject) [Jun. 10th, 2007|12:19 am]
cutiecam17
i graduated from high school yesterday. its such a weird feeling, because in a lot of ways i'm so happy about it (i'm definetly ready to move on and be done with all this petty high school drama), but in other ways it feels like last night marked the end of my childhood. i've been eighteen for a while, i've had my liscense, i've done this and that, but graduating high school seems like the final step in a series of events leading to my adulthood. 

there are a lot of people at school that i'm not friends with anymore, but were my best friends growing up. watching the slide show at senior banquet brought back so many memories with these people, and its so weird to think that now i'm moving on and i'll likely never see them again. they were such a big part of my childhood, and now it's like i've been cut away from them completely. there are only a select few people that i have any interest in staying in touch with. but then there are so many people that i sort of know, that i joke with or say hi to, but that i never would have called to hang out, that i took for granted. 

i'm sure i'll meet new people next year and i won't even remember why i liked anyone back home in the first place. or why i even cared what the dumb kids at school thought of me. that's part of why i'm so excited to move on and start again at a school with 17,000 people. if i screw up, or do something gossip-worthy, not everyone at school will know or care. i can't wait for that freedom. 

i got my fortune told at project graduation last night, and the lady said that i should cleanse my mind and body and leave everything behind me and move forward with life, which is exactly what i need to do. (she also said i was going to sleep with a 27 year old sometime soon, but i won't get into that...) 

so graduation is the final step of my childhood, but the first step of my new beginning. from now on, nothing matters, (although nothing truly ever did matter, but its hard to think that way.) 

i think for the most part, high school was a great and successful four years. minus a few little blips, it went pretty smoothly. i hope i can look back and remember all of the good things, and not focus on the bad. i don't want high school to be this big shadowy regret in my past. but i don't think it will be. 

i'm confused. i'm happy, and i'm sad, and i'm tired, and i'm going to bed.
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(no subject) [May. 30th, 2007|10:07 pm]
cutiecam17
 I should be writing my psych essay right now, but i won't be able to focus until i do this. Oliver, you were a great kid- goofy and one of a kind, and you always made everyone laugh. i almost can't comprehend that this has happened. i wish that i'd taken the time to get to know you better. you were the freshman who always told me dirty jokes and you'd make crazy faces. and you'd run up to emily and make weird noises and run away. you were kyle and didi and alex's friend, and i wish i'd been able to talk to you more. i wish i'd been at the swan pond with all of you or that i'd talked to you more than i did at battle. i dont know, it just seems so strange that you're gone, and now i'm never going to get the chance to see you again. 
i felt almost guilty tonight when i was crying. i know i didn't know you as well as a lot of the people tehre, and it made me feel like i didn't have a right to be sad. i'd see all the people sobbing and hugging and i felt like they were the ones who deserved to mourn, but not me. because i hadn't taken the time to get to know you better. 
you were a huge presence in not only the freshman class, but the whole school. we all loved you, and you're going to be missed so much. i hope wherever you are right now, you're enjoying yourself. keep up guitar and longboarding and doing what you do best. and dont light too many things on fire...
i know it'll take a while for everyone to move on from this, but hopefully in time, we will all feel better

i can't handle this. i can't stop crying. and i have a 7 page paper to write. tyjrtjtrjsdfhgsd

you were too young, nobody deserves this.

rest in peace oliver. 5/30/07
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2007|12:57 pm]
cutiecam17

It's mothers day, and i don't know where she is. but there was a note on my computer this morning saying i should walk the dog on monday afternoon, which i guess means she won't even be back by then? i have no idea whats going on. so now im making a bunch of cinnamon rolls, but i guess i'll just eat them all myself. 

follies went well both nights, and it seemed like everyone liked the movies. and people laughed at things that i was afraid they wouldnt. we had a fire friday after, with the most random people EVER. there were over 50 of us there (if churchill counted right which he probably didnt) and it was epic. and im a pro beatboxer.

we tried to have another one last night but it got busted when i was on my way there and a bunch of people got arrested and all the cars got trapped and towed by the police and firefighters and everyone was running through the woods and calling me all panicky. so i ended up just going to derricks with some people instead and then andy and i went to the outdoor classroom for awhile.

i have a huge project due tomorrow that i should be working on right now, but im bored and getting distracted. and i have work at three! and im scared, because i dont know what im doing. ahhh

oh and James Morrison is amazing. everyone should go buy his cd or download some songs or something right now. especially "this boy" "the letter" "undiscovered" and i dunno, theyre all so good. so go do that.

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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2007|06:41 pm]
cutiecam17
I just want to vent a little bit.

i did something stupid a month ago which was somehow discovered last week and now i have so many people mad at me. and i don't want to feel sorry for myself, because i consciously did this thing, and i'm definetly the bitch and not the victim in the situation, but it just sucks to have this happen so close to the end of the year. i dont want to have to deal with drama right now, i want to be able to just have a great time and enjoy the last few weeks i have with most of these people. but its so bad right now that i can't even sit anywhere at lunch because people hate me (yay library). and i'm basically not in follies anymore. i had a pretty big part, but it was mysteriously given away because people (well a certain person) didn't want to deal with being near me. but at the same time, its completely understandable that she hates me. ughhh i dont know, its just dumb that people can't be mature enough to either talk to me about it, instead of behind my back, or just deal with me being in follies and act around it. its a great feeling when a group of people gets queit when you walk over, because you know they were just discussing various (and probably untrue) aspects of your personal life. i just wish that this problem could have stayed between the three people involved, and not the rest of the grade. people have no business spreading rumors about me. yes it was partly my fault, but it wasn't completly my fault and i'm upset that the other person involved has been completely forgiven. but thats the way this always works out.

i have a follies rehearsal in, like an hour. but really theres no point in me even showing up. i could easily not even go to the shows and nobody would care. woooooo.i CANNOT WAIT to leave for college in august. then i'll never have to see any of these people again until ten years from now at our high school reunion when they'll all be fat, unsuccessful soccer moms who still live in durham.
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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2007|06:13 pm]
cutiecam17
This sucks. Things just went from bad to worse so fast.
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